dear auntie christmas,

screw you.


I simply do not know where this year has gone. Only 9 days till christmas, and I haven't bought a single present. I truly am the worst of procrastinators.

I am far too young to feel this old.

seriously. what happened to this year? I feel like I was a different person a year ago. I feel like I have grown so much, yet i know twelve months isn't that long of a stretch. I can't be a completely different person of course. I still have all the same values, and beliefs i did a year ago; except now i'm with someone who truly understands and supports my beliefs and values, so there is a sense of freedom.

In the past year I got my first apartment, kept a job, became a vice president, cut back on meat, got a kitten, passed chemistry, and met someone (who still gives me butterflies after 10 months [did someone say cheezy?]). OH and I got texting, finally.

after some reflection I have come to the conclusion that I really do like the woman that I've become. I am so much more secure with myself, and my relationships with everyone around me.

security; that's my word of the year.

I have healed the turbulent relationship with my brother finally. this is something I have always worried about, and now I am certain that our relationship will no longer be like oil and water but rather like salt and sugar. We mix well, but he's still bitter at times, and I try to be sweet by talking to him daily.

I am now fully aware of the difficulties that the future will likely bring in relevance to building a career and becoming a stable individual. I know that right now the industry that I wish to devote my life too is shifting to a global scale, and I am also willing to embrace this, and travel where ever it takes me.
I still thirst to travel, but I no longer thirst to leave like I did a year ago. Currently I have nothing to run from; only something to run to.

I am certain that the coming year will be much more difficult than this past year. I have a busy semester coming up. but I am also certain that everything will be ok. I'll do fine. I'll get through it, just like I have for the past 19 years, 1 month and 9 days.

Lacking

quote of the day:
"your mood swings are giving me whiplash."


And so here I find myself under the security blanket that is my parents house, itching to leave every second but wishing to make it last so that I don't have responsibilities for just a couple more hours.

mission make a pumpkin pie was successful today.
No tofurkey for me though, guess they forgot to put that on the grocery list. But there was still my favorite; sweet potato biscuits and mashed potatoes.

Tomorrow I will see my grandparents. I always view these visits two ways.
1) i really do like to see them, I miss them all the time
2) unfortunately every time i see them, they're are exponentially older. I see the pain of my mom mom's arthritis worsen. I see my Grandfathers hearing fade away. I see my mom mom's memory deteriorate. I see my grandfathers temper shorten. I hear the wheezing of my grandmother as she walks a few short steps across the room. I watch my grandfather fall asleep after a minute of silence in a conversation.

the latter of the two always causes a certain amount of wear on my parents, and myself.

Year 2: Reflection 1

It's sad to admit, but I simply cannot read old english (Beowulf) for more than half an hour at time, without my eyes feeling heavy. As if finish off my first week back to school, I have concluded that I am in need of 1) a daily nap, 2) a personal assistant, and 3) about $6,000. The nap is doable; I did it all last year. The personal assistant is not, so I bought a daily planner. And the money is not, but it would be lovely to not work this year and just be a "full time student," which I am already with the addition of a part time job.
My nights are poorly slept and my days seem to drag on. This semester will certainly test my will power to stay in college. I of course do not intend to be a drop out, nor do I intend to "take a year off" as I hardly think I would go back in a timely manner.
I have spent some time reflecting on how different I am from this same time last year. I was naive. I partied too much. I put too much emphasis on relationships. Though the latter is still true, the only thing that needs adjusting is that I need to put school first.
I am trying to get back on my work out regiment, though I am making the same excuses I used to before I started exercising. I have only been once this week, which is unacceptable. I just have to force myself and after a week or so, it becomes habit.

I've been sleeping to pass the time.

I don't know how many times I've been in the Green Bean. But for the third day in a row I find myself in my most comfortable spot in the corner in the back with one of the only electrical sockets. I can't help but notice that I see all the same people, most of them I couldn't name. I get the same thing. One small coffee and on special or not so special occasions, a vegan muffin. I have long since boycotted green bean specialty drinks, knowing full well that each contains hundreds of calories, and a mere 45 cents to make, so why pay $5?

I don't think I would be here this often this week if it wasn't for my coffee pot shattering. Things don't seem to be going my way this week. In the same day (monday) my coffee pot broke, my boyfriend left me for the third time, I became incredibly sick, and had to call out of work. I've slept about 14 hours of each day the past 3 days.

I'm feeling that familiar sense of being left behind.

post emotional nuclear warfare

Charlie is getting bigger by the day. I wish he would just stay the size he is now, or perhaps shrink back to the size where he could fit in my cleavage.

anyway.

I'm going pretty much crazy. It's been a crazy week. I've spend everyday on the move doing something, or going somewhere. I need something to do, to occupy my empty time slots. I can't handle this current state of having to do nothing, that comes just before bed.

Even as I lay down I don't tire; I just think about what I'm doing tomorrow, or only 6 more days until George comes back, or how close am I to paying off this bill, or how the hell did a lightning bug get in my room, or jeez I really need a couch in the living room, or I really wish I could get in the gym, or I am so fucked for my upcoming semester, or I really need a new job, or I wish I could transfer to SCAD with Zach, along with other random shit that doesn't mean anything.
I wish there was a switch that I could flick when I wanted to sleep for lack of having anything else to do. Sleeping helps the time go by, and I'm out of sleeping pills.

Yet I can't help but feel this overwhelming sense of urgency with every aspect of my life. I really wish I could just graduate this year so I could start a life. but then again, from observation I've learned that I'm at a pretty good stage in life; post high school, pre really big responsibilities, pre being tied down, post living with my parents, pre destruction of metabolism, post emotional nuclear warfare.
however, as it's been every year so far, I just can't "grow up" fast enough.

I have grown so much in the past year. just a year ago I had just gotten out of high school, ready to conquer college only to realize that the summer couldn't be long enough. Six months ago I told myself I would give up on love for the year; in that same week, I met someone who I now think about every minute of every day (cheesy? yes. true? very much so).

my point is I can't wait until 4 years from now comes. because that means i'm that much closer to being able to do nothing every day.

wishlisting

So I've been in my Apartment for a little over a month now. now I need furniture.
That will hold up for a couple months until i get my new kitten Sir Charles Hampton Worshire III declawed.

move!

Tomorrow, I am picking up my keys for my new apartment!
This is exciting.
hopefully I'll be out of Greensboro in the next 2 years, either studying abroad or going to FIT. I just know I can't stick around for too long, I need to see things. I'm already falling into a pattern of where I go, and who I see. I guess running away is how I deal with things.
But Greensboro has me for at least one more year, I'm going to make the best of it, moving up and moving out.
In the meantime, I've regretfully realized that I have not seen many of my friends for weeks, this will change, hopefully before they all leave next week.

So, my roommate and I agree that our apartment is NOT going to be party central, as this is not what our lives generally entail. However, I will have weekly dinner get togethers experimenting with cooking. Because I will learn how to cook! or at least bake.

--- speaking of baking. I would like to make my skin a little bit darker if only so I won't blind people if I happen to go to the beach.

if one were to make a wish list

suffer for fashion

Two weeks are gone already, and I still find myself resilient.

so.
I've been focusing on work, and fashion week.
stuff I love for fall 2008:Jenni Kayne fall 2008



Anna Sui Fall 08


BCBGMAXAZRIA fall 08



Carlos Miele



Custo Barcelona


Matthew Williamson fall 08



Yigal Azrouel fall 08

with nothing but sky between us

I went not knowing what to expect. Only my best friend can truly make me happy. He is the only one who ever can tell by my voice over a static ridden phone call that something's wrong. So i find my trip was healthy, if not for my body, at least my soul. yes that invisible being inside me which holds my conscience, and my beliefs.
The plane was shaky, the passengers aggravated, the attendants pleasant, and the toddlers unhappy with the sudden change in pressure.
The city was as I had left it. A place full of empty people with empty goals, fast cars, and road rage. Through the window I saw the approaching orange roofs which could only mean palm beach county. The landing was rough, and the passengers pushing to get off the plane. I left my watch back in Chapel hill.

The thought struck me, that i really have no home. No place feels like home. Not chapel hill, nor West Palm, nor Greensboro. I feel out of place in every location. Perhaps this is because i haven't found my home yet. or just that my constant relocation leaves my soul confused as to where it belongs. Is it in Chapel Hill with my parents? Is it Delaware with my family? Is it West Palm with my best friend? or is it Greensboro with my boyfriend and education? my body drives me towards Greensboro, with the person who I can't help but think about all the time. But is this the place for me? I don't think so. I couldn't imagine myself in Greensboro permanently. That would be hell. there is no future there for me. I find that people go to Greensboro to become slaves of their addictions. People go to chapel hill for a promising education for their children. People go to West Palm expecting the lifestyle of a millionaire. and frankly i can't think of any reason for anyone to go to Delaware.



(photo by Jessica Fritz)