I want. A lot of things.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

post emotional nuclear warfare

Charlie is getting bigger by the day. I wish he would just stay the size he is now, or perhaps shrink back to the size where he could fit in my cleavage.


I'm going pretty much crazy. It's been a crazy week. I've spend everyday on the move doing something, or going somewhere. I need something to do, to occupy my empty time slots. I can't handle this current state of having to do nothing, that comes just before bed.

Even as I lay down I don't tire; I just think about what I'm doing tomorrow, or only 6 more days until George comes back, or how close am I to paying off this bill, or how the hell did a lightning bug get in my room, or jeez I really need a couch in the living room, or I really wish I could get in the gym, or I am so fucked for my upcoming semester, or I really need a new job, or I wish I could transfer to SCAD with Zach, along with other random shit that doesn't mean anything.
I wish there was a switch that I could flick when I wanted to sleep for lack of having anything else to do. Sleeping helps the time go by, and I'm out of sleeping pills.

Yet I can't help but feel this overwhelming sense of urgency with every aspect of my life. I really wish I could just graduate this year so I could start a life. but then again, from observation I've learned that I'm at a pretty good stage in life; post high school, pre really big responsibilities, pre being tied down, post living with my parents, pre destruction of metabolism, post emotional nuclear warfare.
however, as it's been every year so far, I just can't "grow up" fast enough.

I have grown so much in the past year. just a year ago I had just gotten out of high school, ready to conquer college only to realize that the summer couldn't be long enough. Six months ago I told myself I would give up on love for the year; in that same week, I met someone who I now think about every minute of every day (cheesy? yes. true? very much so).

my point is I can't wait until 4 years from now comes. because that means i'm that much closer to being able to do nothing every day.