Year 2: Reflection 1

It's sad to admit, but I simply cannot read old english (Beowulf) for more than half an hour at time, without my eyes feeling heavy. As if finish off my first week back to school, I have concluded that I am in need of 1) a daily nap, 2) a personal assistant, and 3) about $6,000. The nap is doable; I did it all last year. The personal assistant is not, so I bought a daily planner. And the money is not, but it would be lovely to not work this year and just be a "full time student," which I am already with the addition of a part time job.
My nights are poorly slept and my days seem to drag on. This semester will certainly test my will power to stay in college. I of course do not intend to be a drop out, nor do I intend to "take a year off" as I hardly think I would go back in a timely manner.
I have spent some time reflecting on how different I am from this same time last year. I was naive. I partied too much. I put too much emphasis on relationships. Though the latter is still true, the only thing that needs adjusting is that I need to put school first.
I am trying to get back on my work out regiment, though I am making the same excuses I used to before I started exercising. I have only been once this week, which is unacceptable. I just have to force myself and after a week or so, it becomes habit.

I've been sleeping to pass the time.

I don't know how many times I've been in the Green Bean. But for the third day in a row I find myself in my most comfortable spot in the corner in the back with one of the only electrical sockets. I can't help but notice that I see all the same people, most of them I couldn't name. I get the same thing. One small coffee and on special or not so special occasions, a vegan muffin. I have long since boycotted green bean specialty drinks, knowing full well that each contains hundreds of calories, and a mere 45 cents to make, so why pay $5?

I don't think I would be here this often this week if it wasn't for my coffee pot shattering. Things don't seem to be going my way this week. In the same day (monday) my coffee pot broke, my boyfriend left me for the third time, I became incredibly sick, and had to call out of work. I've slept about 14 hours of each day the past 3 days.

I'm feeling that familiar sense of being left behind.

post emotional nuclear warfare

Charlie is getting bigger by the day. I wish he would just stay the size he is now, or perhaps shrink back to the size where he could fit in my cleavage.

anyway.

I'm going pretty much crazy. It's been a crazy week. I've spend everyday on the move doing something, or going somewhere. I need something to do, to occupy my empty time slots. I can't handle this current state of having to do nothing, that comes just before bed.

Even as I lay down I don't tire; I just think about what I'm doing tomorrow, or only 6 more days until George comes back, or how close am I to paying off this bill, or how the hell did a lightning bug get in my room, or jeez I really need a couch in the living room, or I really wish I could get in the gym, or I am so fucked for my upcoming semester, or I really need a new job, or I wish I could transfer to SCAD with Zach, along with other random shit that doesn't mean anything.
I wish there was a switch that I could flick when I wanted to sleep for lack of having anything else to do. Sleeping helps the time go by, and I'm out of sleeping pills.

Yet I can't help but feel this overwhelming sense of urgency with every aspect of my life. I really wish I could just graduate this year so I could start a life. but then again, from observation I've learned that I'm at a pretty good stage in life; post high school, pre really big responsibilities, pre being tied down, post living with my parents, pre destruction of metabolism, post emotional nuclear warfare.
however, as it's been every year so far, I just can't "grow up" fast enough.

I have grown so much in the past year. just a year ago I had just gotten out of high school, ready to conquer college only to realize that the summer couldn't be long enough. Six months ago I told myself I would give up on love for the year; in that same week, I met someone who I now think about every minute of every day (cheesy? yes. true? very much so).

my point is I can't wait until 4 years from now comes. because that means i'm that much closer to being able to do nothing every day.

wishlisting

So I've been in my Apartment for a little over a month now. now I need furniture.
That will hold up for a couple months until i get my new kitten Sir Charles Hampton Worshire III declawed.

move!

Tomorrow, I am picking up my keys for my new apartment!
This is exciting.
hopefully I'll be out of Greensboro in the next 2 years, either studying abroad or going to FIT. I just know I can't stick around for too long, I need to see things. I'm already falling into a pattern of where I go, and who I see. I guess running away is how I deal with things.
But Greensboro has me for at least one more year, I'm going to make the best of it, moving up and moving out.
In the meantime, I've regretfully realized that I have not seen many of my friends for weeks, this will change, hopefully before they all leave next week.

So, my roommate and I agree that our apartment is NOT going to be party central, as this is not what our lives generally entail. However, I will have weekly dinner get togethers experimenting with cooking. Because I will learn how to cook! or at least bake.

--- speaking of baking. I would like to make my skin a little bit darker if only so I won't blind people if I happen to go to the beach.